Cookie Crumbs | Opinion on Emotional Unavailabilty

In today’s status quo, romantic relationships have arguably become a trend. While there is nothing inherently wrong with this, the downside is that their surge has reached a point where being single implies that something is lacking in one's life. This pressure makes it more difficult for people to find compatible partners and build healthy, and lasting relationships, as they tend to rush into relationships without fully assessing their readiness to commit and without ensuring they have the necessary emotional intelligence.

Emotional unavailability has been one of the most predominant relationship issues for god-knows-how-long, especially in our generation, which is contradicting given our reputation for being sensitive and emotionally expressive. Despite its roots in factors like fear of vulnerability or unresolved personal baggage, it raises questions about some people's maturity and their conscious decision-making. Moreover, it always remains utterly unfair to the other person in the relationship or “situation” because it causes anxiety, confusion, and insecurity—something I can attest to from personal experience.

It all began with a simple, cordial online conversation on an ordinary Thursday. The day seemed no different from any other until I decided to bake some cookies for my best friend as a birthday gift. There happened to be an extra box, so I offered you some, thinking nothing of it. You, however, saw it as more than just a sweet gesture. Insisting on repaying me, so you proposed dinner. I laughed and told you it was a genuine gift, expecting nothing in return. But your persistence won out, and soon we found ourselves at a well-known fast food chain. 

Your company was unlike any other. You listened with such patience and interest, your eyes never wavering as I yapped nonstop. I spoke so much that I nearly choked on my ice cream, and you sprang from your seat, rushing to get me a glass of water. That small act of care touched me deeply, and at that very moment, I realized the huge potential of having feelings for you.

After that first meetup, the meal invitations continued, and you soon became my favorite dining companion. Even if you had already eaten, you would join me for another meal just to make sure I ate, knowing I was struggling with eating at the time. We also started exchanging gifts—blue paper bags filled with care packages, and I spoiled you even more with my cookies. I was very transparent about my feelings and shared a lot about my problems. You always cared to listen. I started feeling guilty because you never opened up about your own issues, even though I always stressed that I was an open space for you.

There was a moment when our relationship teetered on the brink. You had grown so distant and reserved, your dishonesty about something crucial reopening old wounds. I nearly cut you off, but I already grew attachment and I was too fragile. You promised to make up for the damages, and I allowed you that chance. One afternoon, occupied in academic backlogs, I received an unexpected email—a cheesy yet heart-fluttering message inviting me to a cinema date. For a fleeting moment, I believed this gesture signaled that our relationship might actually escalate into something more, but it was not meant to be.

I was completely taken aback when you dropped a bombshell. After confessing that you also like me, you added that you could not offer more than friendship and insinuated that all your gestures were not meant to give me mixed signals, even though you were aware of the repercussions. Your actions were an evident irony of your words, leaving me utterly confused. Our conversations and the way you treated me grew cold, which made me doubt if any of those times we spent together were real. I did not know how to respond. My stomach was crowded with butterflies that no longer felt normal. I struggled to distance myself and set boundaries, confronting my yearning for you and my own attachment issues. But deep down, I knew I deserved better.

Your care was heroic; rescuing me from a very dark place. I thought you were the one who would help me get by. I even ghosted my therapist because I was already doing better, only to discover that you would also be the reason I spiraled back into the same state. Everything felt so unclear, so full of unanswered questions. Instead of dwelling on why it all happened, I decided to focus on how it made me feel and how it was affecting me—reframing everything. As I try to detach, though a part of me still holds onto hope, I am working on myself, hoping to heal from this experience. 

I know that I do not deserve a situation that makes me question my worth and lose my sanity, where my genuine efforts are neither valued nor reciprocated. What cuts the deepest is the painful realization that I yearned so profoundly for romantic love, only to watch it slip away just when I believed it was within my grasp. For a long time, I believed it would be you, but now I am left with nothing but the crumbs you gave me, mourning a love that probably did not even exist, while you, on the other hand, seem unaffected.

Despite the folly it may seem, I have chosen to remain friends, fully aware of the toll it will take on me. I still believe in your decency, and I cherish the good friend you once were—something I do not want to jeopardize. At this point, I am uncertain if our relationship will ever mend, given the awkwardness that now lingers between us, which is understandable and something I can make peace with. For now, however, I must choose myself, and admit that you were not good for me. It is time for me to move on from this confusion, much like how you should have kept your platonic 'I love you' to yourself.

Emotional unavailability is tantamount to the quandary the Ateneo community is facing right now—it is a hidden pitfall of apathy. People tend to be selfish and privileged, thinking only of themselves. Such emotional detachment is detrimental to the subject, who grapples to understand their own emotions, and to those around them, as their feelings are often neglected. Although it is acknowledged that this stems from personal struggles, this is also where the importance of understanding and working on yourself becomes essential. So, we ask ourselves, do we have enough emotional intelligence to truly understand and empathize with the struggle of the masses?

It is crucial to take time to prepare yourself for a relationship and determine if it is truly right for you. Unlike previous generations, we now have the autonomy to deeply understand our potential partners before committing. In the past, toxic traits often surfaced only after marriage. Today, we benefit from the opportunity to date and communicate more effectively, allowing us to make more informed and wise decisions about our relationships. While the purpose is to lessen the issues that couples may encounter in their relationships, it is also important to embrace that struggles are still inevitable and necessary. These trials are what make the relationship stronger and deeper. Thus, pag-ibig ay mapagpalaya, ang mahalin ka ay pakikibaka. Love is non-linear; it makes you feel safe and secure, but it can also make you feel angry and sad.

Thus, if you are seeking love, do not be impulsive; reassess your disposition and priorities. How hard can that be? Do not be an asshole by entering situations for which you will not be accountable. Communication is a bare minimum; your emotional unavailability is not a puzzle others should have to solve or a burden they should bear. You must heal and work on yourself before seeking love again.

At the end of the day, regardless of unfortunate circumstances like failed relationships or separations in marriage, these experiences can lead us to reassess our worth. This perspective does not romanticize these hardships but instead stimulates love and kindness toward ourselves and others, emphasizing the importance of empathy, self-preservation, and self-love. People need to stop depending on romantic relationships to determine their self-worth. Being single or experiencing failed relationships does not diminish your worth. If we all focused on our own intrinsic value instead of seeking validation through relationships, the pressure to be in one might subside.

In cases of failed relationships, sometimes, people are just simply not compatible, no matter how prepared you are or how hard you try to make it work. That is why it is critical to understand what you are getting into. Love is unpredictable because you never know whether it will go well or not. However, this does not mean you should lose hope or close yourself off from it; who knows, you might tell yourself that you will never love again, only to find yourself returning to it the next day. Love is not something you should chase or beg for; it is something that naturally comes to you.

But if you are still mourning over it, just like I am as I write this article, this is to affirm that taking your time and feeling those emotions is completely fine and valid. Stop trailing after crumbs that only lure you with their sweet facade but lead to a dry and tasteless void because…

“Why would you settle for breadcrumbs, when you can have a whole box of cookies?”